off again

There are moments when I feel guilty that I am not better at keeping up with my blog. But then I come to my senses. This blog is for me, when I need it. If I am not writing in it then I must not need it.

I am writing tonight because I am awake 3 hours after taking my meds (extra meds) and in the midst of a hypomanic October. I have chosen to sleep on the couch tonight, not sure why. I know I am off, that my inability to sit in one place for very long is not normal. Considering I usually work all day on the couch rarely getting up. I know it is not “normal” to cry when I cannot figure out what to do. I know it is not “normal” to hardly be able to catch my thoughts, to not be able to work a full day in over a week. And it is not normal to be awake three hours after taking my meds, when usually I am asleep 30 minutes after swallowing my 12th pill.

I can’t figure out if I want to sleep or not. If I want to stay up all night or not. I know I am off. I just do not know how long it will last.

5:19 a.m.

It is 5:19am. The heaviness has lifted and it is 5:19 am and I am awake. Wide awake. I couldn’t think of a reason to stay in bed, so I got up to work. The house is still asleep, as it should be. I’ve woken up this early before to work for a deadline, but never voluntarily. Should I be concerned? Do I have too much energy? Only time will tell.

not much

I am empty, hollow and heavy. I am have tried walking and even going to get a chocolate milkshake. But nothing has helped fill me up.

I am lost.

nothing more

I am cranky. And can’t hear my voice over the needs of others (in other words my workload). I want to write, but nothing comes.

the war has begun

There is a war going on inside me. The news-ticker of my thoughts is a constant stream of self harm. Like a child trying to get their parent’s attention it is incessant and getting louder with each pass. Cut, it says, just a little bit. Gain some control over your life through pain. It doesn’t really hurt. It will prove to the world that you really do need to live with your parents. It will prove that you are really sick.

Yes, there is a war going on inside me. Right now, I am winning, my wants to be my normal. The wants to get up and run tomorrow. The wants to work, to be successful, to make money. But as hard as I try, my thoughts are getting jumbled. My winning healthy wants are getting tangled in desperate need to hurt myself. I am trying so hard to fight. So hard. I gaze ever so often at the battle scars on my left arm. The scars when the healthy pleas were thrown aside. How strong will I be tonight?

round and round

I have taken my meds, but I am not quite tired yet. Actually I do not want to sleep. Not sure why, although I am guessing it is because I have a lot to do and again I think if I stay up I will get more done. I am running in circles with my work and sleep patterns. I wake up early Sunday through Wednesday and start to crash on Thrusday, I am unable to work a full day on Friday due to general craziness, Saturday I try to repair my mind so I can do it all over again. I am not sure how to stop this cycle. And I am not sure if I want to. I have way too many clients right now. I am barely getting the work done and in some cases I am not. But I need the money. My medical bills alone are $2000 a month, which includes health insurance, meds and therapy. And then I have to add on life stuff like gas and other bills.

All this being said, I know I can find balance. If I only knew how to say no. Or even maybe later. But, yes seems to be a frequent word in my vocabulary. It always has been.

As I am writing this I am finally getting tired. But I am thinking of sleeping on the couch.

where to go

The last few days have been good. I’ve been stable and my head has been clear. And for the most part I have been creative and productive.

My mom is back from England, just as I had adjusted to her being gone. Her energy adds another dimension in the house. I feel like a child again. She was tired, so I tiptoed around, uncomfortable in the space that had until recently been mine. I am always afraid I will disappoint her. I am such a people pleaser and I crave her approval. In her defense, she does not criticize me or treat me like a child. But at the end of the day, it is her house, not mine. And even though my things are sprawled out in every room, I wonder if I will ever be truly comfortable here. Then again, I wasn’t really comfortable at my house either, I was always coming here.

I only bring these things up because  of the things people have been saying. Some question if I will ever live on my own again. Others say, of course I would want to. And since I am so close to my mother, when she dies, who will take care of me? My sisters? My brother? although I would have to move to Charlotte and I do not like that thought at all. Would I be married by then? Would I stay with my father? Would I be strong enough to be on my own? Just me and my madness?

I know these things will work themselves out, but I must admit, I am a little stressed about all it.

lights on

I slept with the lights on last night. Not quite sure why. But I know I was afraid of something. I thought I was stable last night when I blogged, but shortly after things shifted. Fear set in. Luckily I fell asleep, even with the lights on.

I am still not quite right. Although I do not know how to describe it other than not quite right. I woke up early and I am alone watching tv.  I do feel alone.

leveled out

My moods are leveled out again. It is only 9:36pm and I am full of meds and ready for bed. Tomorrow I go back home. On Monday I see my psychiatrist. I am hoping tomorrow will be better than today.

lost

So, I am at my brother’s in Charlotte. Yesterday I was good. The drive was fine, my mood was stable. It is now 4:10pm and something isn’t quite right. My thoughts are loud. I do not want to be here or there or really anywhere. Nothing feels right or “safe”. I feel crazy creeping in. I am faking normal. Not that I have to. But I am nonetheless. I do not know what to do or where to go. So I am sitting on the couch, rambling here. There must be something I can do…