squirmy

9:19am

I slept on my couch again last night. It feels a lot like last summer. I wasn’t healthy last summer. I was still recovering from my second major episode and adjusting to new meds. I was scared and lost. Maybe that is what I am now. Scared and lost. And of course itchy. I am crawling in my skin. It is hard to sit still, but I am hypnotized by my computer to stay on my couch. So I just squirm as I type. It doesn’t feel like mania or depression, more like just my life right now. I am not sure how to fix it, other than to change in a big way. Which scares me. So I squirm at the thought of it. If I was sick, manic or depressed, it would give me an excuse not to do anything. And maybe that is what I am doing with my hunger strike against reality and abandoning the comforts of my bed. Maybe I am on the verge of madness, just waiting for the invitation to join the crazy party of irrational thought. Or maybe I am already there.

The itch

It started with an itch. One of those hard to reach uncomfortable kinds. Every time I would go to scratch it, it would move. Making it even harder find. And of course when I did scratch it, it would only make it itch more. So I am uncomfortable, which makes me cranky. And restless to find something to ease or soothe my itch.

An itch of this nature comes in various forms. On Monday I had an “I need money to pay my rent” itch. When I tried to scratch it an “I need a new job” popped up. “The I don’t want to move” itch came on Friday afternoon. And “I have too much work that doesn’t pay enough” itches every day of the week. “I need more money. period.” well, thats the itch that never goes away. It tingles behind my forehead, morning, noon and night. Impossible to reach and constantly begging to be scratched. Its incessant whining not only makes me cranky, it drives me crazy, literally.

So I am restless for change and for a happy ending. I would take some Benadryl, but it is a temporary solution for my enduring monthly woes. Eventually I would wake up with a chicken pox-esque explosion of reality covering my body. So I tend to my daily itches by scratching with my credit card and the house key I still have. And of course, my Cort-aid of denial is never far from reach.

hunger strike

1:07pm

I slept on my couch last night. Not quite sure why. I don’t want to eat today. I am on a hunger strike against reality. I was doing okay when I woke up. But after talking to my brother about my current no money, too much debt situation, I am now depressed. Again the words were uttered “move back home.” To which I replied “I just can’t.”

But why? I realized that I have worked way too hard to be semi-functional in society. Granted I still have trouble working a 40-hour week from my couch as a graphic designer. But I can work a solid 30 hours. And even though I can’t always pay all my bills every month, I can pay most of them. I am surviving, barely, but I am still breathing. So what do I do? Honestly, I do not know. My mind shuts down when I try to think about it.

I always wonder if I didn’t have bipolar disorder would I still be in the same place. I know that is pointless, but it always crosses my mind during my “why me” phases. In all honesty, I do enjoy the illness. The ups and downs and all its treachery. It makes me feel alive and makes me want to kill myself as well. But, when it comes right down to it, it is all I know. So it is what it is. I am broke $5.43 in my bank account broke. Rent and gas due on tuesday, parents cut me off last night. So looking reality in the eyes, what do I do?

I don’t eat, in a sub-conscience way to make myself sick, so my madness will decide for me. Way to face the world, Mia.

catching up

holding on

It is 10:47pm on a Saturday evening. I am fighting going to bed. I am not really tired so it isn’t that hard of a fight. But there is a voice in my head telling me to stick to my schedule. Currently I am ignoring it. Why? Because I am an adult and it is not a school night. So I will go to bed when I am so exhausted I cannot keep my eyes open. Maybe I will brush my teeth, maybe not. That is the luxury of being an adult.

The first day of August is almost over. Rent is due, I can’t pay it. My parents said in not so many words that they will no longer help me out. My mom says my options are to move: either back to their house or to a cheaper place or get a a roommate. I, of course, do not like any of those. My goal at the beginning of the year was to be financially independent. But things are just not working out. I can’t seem to find a way to make them work.

You would think it would make me depressed. I spent most of the winter and spring depressed. But no. I have swung up and have spent most of the last two months manic. Not crazy 20’s manic. It has been a more mature 30-esque mania. Restless mostly but not eating or sleeping much either. I have had a lot of scrunchy pressure in my head this week drizzled with can’t sit still and crawling inside my skin. This summer has been the most bearable, since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 years ago. But not exactly comfortable or productive. Any shiny thing distracts me…

showing up

It is a little after 11am. I think I am depressed and starting to lean that way anyway. I crawled out of bed at 8am thinking I was going to work. Half way into my diet coke I fell back asleep. At 9:30am I took half a provigil and closed my eyes again. Thoughts are slow and I am having trouble connecting the dots. 10 to 11am I stared at my computer, not really knowing what to do. I do not feel lazy, I feel unproductive. I finally got up off my couch at 11am, I had to do something anything, just something. So I hung up my clean clothes (something I rarely do).

After laying on the couch for most of yesterday after the eye doctor, I just can’t spend another day like that. I feel like I am wasting my life. I need to at least to attempt to live my life. I need to at least show up. It is more than just going through the motions. It is being aware of my surroundings. Being present in the moment. But it is so hard when I am so tired and unmotivated and my thoughts just can’t keep up.
Something, I must do something. Since my mind cannot process thoughts, I guess I will clean.

“it is just stress”

This past weekend I experienced a lot of pressure behind my right eye to the point of it slightly bulging out and swelling my eye lids. Very uncomfortable and at times painful. All my internet research pointed to Graves disease, which does run in my family. Although I thought I was prepared for the diagnosis, I was still anxious while I waited to see the eye doctor. Unfortunately, the swelling had gone down a lot by Monday morning when the doctor peered into my right eye. “I am baffled,” he said. “Everything looks normal. It must have been stress.” STRESS?!?!? What kind of stress makes one’s eye pop out of its socket????? For me it is money, or the lack there of it. But seriously, stress? I am just not buying it. I honestly believe it is the beginning of something. What, I do not know. And while my eye is resting back into is normal position, I do not think this will be a one time appearance. I know I’m crazy, but something just doesn’t feel right.

waves of bills

My thoughts are tangled in a prickling patch of negative thoughts. I am spending too much time alone. I am doing all my training at night, instead of breaking up my day with a much needed 3:30pm run. I have had no motivation today and slept most of the morning instead of working. Rent was due yesterday, I am still waiting for some checks to be able to pay it. They did not come in today’s mail. I get angry twice a month at my life and my empty bank account. At my almost maxed out credit cards and my tipping point that just won’t tip over to the goodness I know I deserve. Today, I am apathetic and worn out. My body shuts downs with the stress and I sleep. Even when I get the much needed check in the mail this week, in two weeks I will not be able to pay my bills again. I am losing hope and sight of the end of the tunnel. Yes, I am stable, but no, I am not where I want to be in life. I am sad today and lonely.

to nap or not to nap

I was more productive today than yesterday. And I checked off a couple of things that have been lingering on my to-do list. But I still took a nap in the afternoon. I do not know if it is that I don’t have the stamina to make it through an entire day or if I do not have the attention span. Whatever it is, around 3pm my mind shuts down. I haven’t worked a full day in I don’t know when. I don’t think I can blame my healing bipolar mind. I feel fairly stable.  It could be because I have been training a lot. But I didn’t train today. So why the need for the nap? Sheer boredom? Overwhelmed with all the shoulds, coulds, woulds? Does it matter? Kinda, I don’t feel like I am getting enough done during the day. Which makes me frustrated and mad at myself that I am not prioritizing correctly. Perhaps a problem with perfectionism. Well, today is almost over. I will make my to-do list for tomorrow. And prepare for another day.

the real fireflies of madness

It is past my bedtime, but I am having trouble sleeping. Rather my thoughts keep bouncing making it hard to close my eyes. My book “Fireflies of Madness” was posted on Amazon.com today. Too cool. Although the search inside portion won’t be up for a few more weeks. I am still super excited.

On another note…

I’ve been way too obsessive about training. It consumes all my thoughts. Today I slept in the afternoon until it was time to run. I hardly worked at all. I’ve been ignoring clients and putting off work that I don’t want to do. Completely out of character for me. After pleasing others for years, I have tipped to far in the other direction of purely pleasing myself. I need to find balance. I have to find balance. I will never make it on my own by ignoring clients and avoiding work. Tomorrow I will focus. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will communicate. Tomorrow I will be productive. Tomorrow I will try harder.

nervous

I am nervous, anxious, borderline scared. I have my first group bike ride today with my triathlon group. Last night I tried on all my gear. But I haven’t ridden my bike in over some-odd years, which must be a lot because I can’t remember just how many. I got my bike tuned up a two months ago, but I think the tires need air and I don’t have a pump. I hope someone there has one. I am sure everything will be alright. But right now 2.5 hours before and I can’t even imagine leaving my house. My head tingles with anticipation. My heart is pounding. My thoughts are filled with disaster. Breathe, I must remember to breathe.